Yeah, yeah, I know. Its been a long time since I posted and in that time, I have been sorely missed. With devastating consequences. With fans slashing their wrists, girls swooning, people rushing to places of worship praying fervently for my return, others committing mass suicides, animals becoming extinct, birds migrating, humans mutating, jk infiltration reaching new heights, us – china tension scaling new levels, Russia upping their nuclear arsenal, movies like dil bole hadippa being released, the world seemed on course for apocalypse. But, worry no more, loyal fans, for I have returned. To restore order. And save the day. In true blue bruce willis style. Just like in Armageddon.
Oh, I have to warn you, this auspicious moment marks the return of my PJs as well, so proceed with caution.
And a lot many things of paramount importance seemed to have happened during my absence- rakhi sawant has got married, nobel prizes have been auctioned, yash chopra has dished out cinematic scum yet again, paedophiles have died, tigers have been snared, and fellow bloggers seem to have got their 15 seconds of fame.
And in the time that I have been away, ive got my 42 seconds of fame as well for ive been around searching for the ultimate answer of life. Well, atleast in IITR life. To the ultimate question- How to effectively cheat in exams? And its not been a Sunday picnic ride for me folks, let me assure you. In my quest to find the answer to ultimate question, I have been to the Himalayas, the vindhyas, the andes, the steppes, the south pole, the north pole, inside mariana trench, the top of everest, unexplored Amazonian jungles, inside mount Fujiyama, Mars, the IITR library. Okay, okay, I admit, im kidding about the last two ofc, but you get the point, right? And in those two months, I have achieved what took the Buddha many years to achieve – nirvana. (Ofc, I had it on my ipod before, hehe).
But my humility prevents me from taking all the credit, as this profound knowledge has been garnered from various sources – celebs, politicians, sportsmen, ascetics, cows etc. So here are the methods:
The rakhi sawant method: For this method to be successful, you need to watch all the episodes of ‘rakhi ka swayamwar’, being telecast on the appositely named NDTV??Imagine!! at least ten times. Coz this is not just another reality show. It is a revolutionary, breathtaking, gutwrenching, heartbreaking, mindblowing tribute to the institution of marriage, relevant in today’s kalyug world. Go to the exam hall in the guise of a simple, cultured, traditional bharatiya pativrata naari, wearing half a kg of makeup of on your face, with fake eyelashes and equally fake football sized silicone replacements. The epileptic gait, ceaselessly fluttering eyelids, and demure giggles are sure to charm the crap out of the examiner. A few item numbers in the hall might help too. Your friends can cheat while you manage to distract the examiner. Ofc, you don’t gain anything out of this method. But being altruistic comes as a part of being rakhi sawant as she has constantly been working for the upliftment of her masses, err.. I mean, the masses ever since her stellar performance as a chick with a dick in masti. And yeah, before I forget to mention, you need to be a guy for this method to work.
The rajnikant menthod: Perhaps the greatest caveman of our times, his Neanderthal machismo, and simian flamboyance have long since kept bad ass villains at bay, so much so that he could give marvel comics superheroes a run for their money. Now its time for him to take on the examiner. Or rather, its time for you to take on the examiner using his method. And for that to work, you need to go to the exam hall in all your hirsuteness, for that gives the intimidating effect. If you are bald, or don’t sport a moustache, this method won’t work. Well, it will work if you can manage to transplant that annoying hair from your chest, underarms and you know where to your balding head and face and still maintain a straight face. Or you can get a wig and make up as he did for rs 3 crore in sivaji. (Ofc if u had that kind of money, you wouldn’t need to take exams.). Memorize a long list of expletives and go recite the same in tamilian accented english in the exam hall. Then tell the examiner how you will pulverize every bone, tear every muscle, slice every vein, rip every nerve, pound every organ, pull every hair out of his body if he doesn’t let you cheat in the exam. That should be intimidating enough.
The salman khan method: In the lineage of western superheroes like superman, spiderman and batman comes india’s very own bald headed eagle sal-man. Brought up on a diet of smoked salman, this bollywood superhero has an idiosyncratic aversion towards deer meat, and has made it his duty to eliminate the scourge of deer in india. Now, as for the method- go to the exam hall with flexed arms, oiled biceps and err… bare chest, and showcase plenty of brucelee-gone-tipsy action which is sure to send chills down the spines of footpath dwellers and black bucks and ofc the examiner. As barrack obama would say, yes, you khan. I mean yes, you can.
The govinda method: This is the no.1 method. Wear the brightest fluorescent pink, yellow or orange tee shirt that you have to the exam hall. As the examiner will be blinded by the glare of the tee, you can sit down and cheat. If the examiner happens to possess a pair of highly advanced UV reflecting shades, showcase your belly dancing skills and start singing songs with abstrusely profound lyrics like “ main bhel puri khaa raha tha, raste pe jaa raha tha” and poignant pity evoking lyrics ”meri naani mari to main kya karoo”? the examiner is bound to be touched by them and will remove his shades to shed his tears, either at your abysmal dancing or at the poignant songs. He will be blinded again and you can cheat.
The tiger woods method: As I approach the world’s best known golfer to know the secret of his doing well academically in school despite his inclination towards golf, he replies “What school? Dude, I never went to school”. On being asked how he managed to do well in exams despite not attending school he replies with a sly grin on his face, “Simple, man, I just slept with the examiner. Before the exam, while others were working their arses off, I just worked on the examiner’s. I’m a tiger not just in the golf court, you know.” With the revoking of section 377, even the happier lot can try their luck with this method now.
The mamata bannerjee method: March to the exam hall and claim that cheating is your birth right and you will have it. If the examiner doesn’t subscribe to your views, gather all the farmers in town and organize hunger strikes, bandhs, marches, nude marches, and burn down a few buses asking for the banning of examiners in the exam hall. After all, didi isn’t known as miss BANnerjee without good reason.
The jayalalitha method: Probably the easiest method if executed carefully. Send police commissioner Muthukaruppan(or anyone else u can get your hands on) at the break of dawn to the examiner’s house and have him arrested. So you can cheat all you want during the exam while the examiner is busy counting the iron bars.
p.s: These methods will definitely not get you the blessings of goddess Saraswati, and maybe not even a BC (branch change) but they most certainly will get you a BS (Back save).
p.p.s : Awaiting the next big revolutionary show on ndtv??imagine!! – “rakhi ki suhaagraat” eagerly.
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